Sunday 12-18-2022, An Unwelcoming Heart.

Happy Sunday!

Yesterday I was working on the ACIM Workbook, start of section 14, Who Am I, and lesson 351. The lesson is on the choice of seeing a sinful brother or a sinless brother. I opened my heart to God as I wrote in my journal.

When I got to Hollie Holden’s notes for the section and lesson, her guiding image for us students was to imagine a network of light threads between our hearts and the hearts of all people.

“When we use our practice time to remind everyone that they are welcome inside this heart, we too give ourselves full access.” ~ Hollie Holden.

As I did the practice, I felt tightness around my heart. I realized my thoughts of others are always about what I should be doing for others. I realized that doing for others gets in the way of being with others. There is a burden, a mis-belief, that I ‘should be doing’ for another instead of just loving.

Jesus, I ask for your help. My heart opens to you, help me to open to my brothers and sisters.

Type One.

When I went for my walk, I listened to a podcast on the Enneagram, an interview by Chris Heuertz with Fr. Richard Rohr. The interview was focused on Fr. Richard, so it was all about ennea type 1, which I am.

This interview helped me to understand myself better, and to accept my flaws. I am the type of person who is idealistic, sees the flaws in the world, and feels responsible for making everything good. My life actions have been motivated by all the things I saw I should do. Before I would contact someone, I would play out in my mind the reason behind reaching out to them, never just because I wanted to.

Time for forgiveness.

An unwelcoming heart sounds pretty bad … time to reflect to release judgement. I do love being with people. The best times are being able to have deep, meaningful conversations. Hearts must be open for this.

This past year, I find as I drive around, I send blessings to people I see walking. Seems that I do act as part of an open-hearted network of light beings.

I have a fear of others taking too much from me. I still think of my past identities of mother and worker where my self-worth came from how much I did. My adult years passed, fueled by long lists of all the ‘should’ and ‘have to’ things to do. There were periods of being overwhelmed that fuel my fear today.

I live now.

I am proud of all I have accomplished. But Fr. Richard said something in the podcast that I also see in myself. I’ve come to recognize that letting go of the self that is motivated just by the ‘shoulds’ in life is not where I want to be anymore. I retired early and feel uncomfortable about that sometimes. In recent months, when I think about getting a job, I see that as an easier route than what I am currently working through. With a job I would step back into my habits of defining myself by my busyness, feeling like I fit in when I have a long list of things to tell about how filled in my week. Accepting the way things are now, allowing each day to unfold, feels right for right now.

Now I see clearly … my heart will open when I change. I will be loving myself when I choose to do what I want to do. And I will give my time to other people because that is what I want to do. It is in giving that we receive.

OK heart, are you ready?!

One last thing as I finish this post. I realize that all my ‘shoulds’ need not go away. I should continue my daily practices of connecting with Source and I should love well my Creator, my Self (and self), this planet, and all who dwell on her.

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