Happy Sunday!

Louise Hay, when asked by Robert Holden, what changed her life? Her answer: Forgiveness.He said, the one word explained everything.

I’ve been on a journey the last few months and, just today, have climbed up onto a new peak. If I had sought conventional help I would probably have been classified as depressed — I’ve been blocked from sharing and connecting to other people. Although I’ve been able to notice it,still I could not motivate myself to get past it. There has been a breakthrough, but first I want to document what helped me through.

The niggling’s.

For a while now, I have not wanted to have people to my home, not wanting to do all the work to have a gathering; not wanting to give. (This has become an issue as my 60^th birthday is next month. I have always struggled with receiving and have noticed major blocks to even responding when asked about my birthday. From my ACIM work, I know giving and receiving are the same. I don’t want to receive, and I can’t give.

With people gathering once again, I’ve been to some wonderful events but have not been able to connect with others. I come home and feel just full of regret for not opening up to enjoy the special moments with the people I care about.

Recently I started with a new chiropractor who also does kinesiology, Dr. R. From the first day the things I learned were unexpected. First, she did a heart rate variability test which showed my body was very far into the sympathetic nervous system side. She said this is like my foot is always on the gas pedal. I was surprised for two reasons, my life is very quiet, almost boring now, and I had a very good, deep meditation for the 5 minutes the test was scanning me. As I continued my visits, Dr.R. did kinesiology on me to find the reasons for my body pain to bring awareness that my body knows and carries so much that I have no awareness of. This gave me new respect, compassion, and love for my body. At the same time, I became very frustrated thinking over all the work my mind has done on self-improvement but things remained hidden.

My body is smart; my spirit is smart; my mind … why bother?

The first round of kinesiology brought up that I felt abandoned in my close relationships. Shocking — I’ve never used that word in my self talk!

The second round brought back my sense of unworthiness — I thought I had gone through all that! I have the blogs to prove it!

This week I watched the free webinar Robert Holden offered for his new book on purpose. I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need to hear about purpose but watched it anyway and found some inspiration in it. The quote I posted at the top has been poking at me all week. I understood without understanding what Robert meant that the forgiveness found resolved a lifetime of pain and mis-perceptions.

Breakthrough!

It was getting bad, so unmotivated to even text friends and family. I sensed things were coming to a head. I thought of a boil about to burst but changed that image to a blossom bud, swollen, about to open.

Finally, last night, it happened. I tried watching videos and reading a book, but I just knew I had to spend time with the thought of Louise’s ‘forgiveness’. I am so blessed that once I laid back and put my attention to this that the healing flowed in.

First came to my mind the lingering issue of worthiness. The question came, “What am I not worthy of?”

An image of myself sitting on someone’s lap with my arms wrapped around their head came to my mind. Cuddles.

I thought of my childhood to find there were no memories of cuddles with my parents or any of my siblings. No connection to others, no soft place to fall. My child-self had no mother to run to for cuddles, or someone just to hold me.

Next, I thought of the traits of my being an Enneagram Type 1 and my separateness from God. I seek the perfect Love of God, wanting to live in that place of perfect Love. So, I lived my life as the ‘good girl, to be deserving of perfect Love.

Next, I let myself think about the idea of abandonment. If I chose to, I could see myself as abandoned by my parents, friends, and now my kids as they go off into adulthood. I played all the roles I was meant to play and, through my actions, gave love but still had no one to hold me.

A realization swept over me and changed me. I loved well!

I did love well as I held everyone in my life in high regard, blameless to the point of not ever realizing that I did not receive from others what I needed. Instead, I believed that what I wanted and needed must have been a mistake. Be a good girl, just move on and do what you’re supposed to do.

The next big realization flowed through me. It wasn’t me … not being nurtured (cuddled) was not my fault. I understand that it was a family pathology most likely due to cultural pathology.

Blame is not needed now – just growth and change.

I did love well. I let everyone off the hook. It’s conscious now within me so, with new perception, I see the memories with understanding that everyone did the best they could in a flawed system.

Before going to sleep, I got P. to sit on the bed so I could sit on his lap and receive a cuddle. I explained that it was something I didn’t receive as a child. He understood and told me that was the same for most people.

This morning.

I am different now. The blocks have left. I feel excited to see other people today and reach out to friends that I have been avoiding. My thoughts have been testing the waters and I feel the love in me wanting to move and share. I find my words with P. are more considerate of his feelings. And here I am writing and sharing. Hoorah!

Thank you God. Thank you to my entourage who continued to nudge me along.

I am worthy of cuddles. (My new mantra.)