Sunday 9-19-21 How I Built my Ego

Happy Sunday!

I just completed an Enneagram course on that was taught by Robert Holden. It was wonderful in the depth and broadness of thought that Robert gave to the philosophy of personality types, virtues, fixations, fears, and aspects of God. Needless to say, it has left me thinking about a lot of things.

He spoke about discovering your purpose; a tool for this was to think about your desire and excitement before you were five years old. This reminded me of when I wrote about who I was when I was five back (document in my 2012 journal, part 4).

In this older post I recalled how I was a Pollyanna and loved rediscovering it. I had turned away from this part of me for several decades but now, when I am being my authentic self, I seek to find the good in all situations. When I was young it came naturally — now I understand spiritual Truths to support my way of being. I know that we reap what we sow, and that words are energy put out into our field that attract like energies back to us. Also, that all is well as God, our Creator, is Love and the Universe is working toward our evolution toward Love.

I got to thinking about what turned me away from this positive way of being. And I got the sense that understanding this would help me to understand how I built my ego, my psyche of protection.

I’m going to reflect on this now and see what understanding may come.


I think I experienced what most children do. I was loved and thought of as adorable for the first five or so years of my life. This allowed me to be that child that looked on all the positives of life. Then, around seven or eight, things started going downhill. I was suddenly dealing with criticism from parents and siblings. I needed to do chores, behave in public as proper, and be smart and savvy of the world instead of just happy to be with those I cared about. Away from home, the friends of my youth moved on to have other friends that shared their interests instead of being with me.

All these things hurt a lot. This triggered my problem-solving mind to develop the means to anticipate every upcoming situation so that it could have plan ready to defend me. My mind learn to judge, criticize, and argue in internal conversations to avoid the hurt and shame. Another tool I used was to be aloof to force the other person engage me. I’m not sure where this skill came from but suspect it is in the DNA.

Enneagram Type 9

When Robert taught about type 9’s, the peacemaker, with passion of sloth, he explained that we can use peace for defensive purposes. I’m a good example of this as I choose to be quiet and aloof. We tend to think of silence and peace as a virtue, but it is really an excuse to not engage with others or with life.

Lifetime habits

I took these problem-solving skills and made them routine behavior for my adult life. (I can hear in my mind Dr. Joe Dispenza saying that behaviors become habits which become a personality.) I like being standoffish – the silent one off to the side. When I ask myself why I like it I understand that it is a method of controlling. Makes sense — I developed this behavior when I was young and believed it solved my problem to keep me safe from being hurt.

Now though, when I experience my interactive positive authentic self, I love this me. I feel happy and sometimes joyful.

To be childlike again …

Break the habit of being myself. (Perhaps I need to do the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza has outlined in his book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. I read it and understood the theory, I just haven’t set out to do the practice to make the changes.)

Are there other ways to clear out the egoic adult personalities we developed to protect us and control our environment?

My adult child, by the choice of gender transition, is living life as her authentic self. Interestingly she says she has not abandoned her younger sad male self but has merged what she had been experiencing as two different personalities.

A Big Idea!

I had the thought that I wish there were two names I’ve used in my life to help leave one behind. Funny, when I think of ‘Tricia’ I think of the young positive Pollyanna self more then I think of who I am today. (Perhaps because I fought through my school years to be called Tricia when everyone by default called me Patty or Pat.) If I had a more adult name for myself it might be easier to get my head around dropping the manufactured adult self.

If I take guidance from my transgender kid, I can see that the greatest benefit will be to merge the two.

Feeling glad that I get to use my Pollyanna skills and find the good in the two (or more) Tricia’s. How great it will be to settle into the Tricia who, I hope, will be the wise woman of my desire.

In gratitude for this morning’s reflection.


(Post restored 4-20-22)

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