October 2020 Thoughts and Insights

October 1, 2020 – Transitioning

My first day, a beginning, of semi-retirement. The burdens have been removed. I’m just left with some training items to record and leave behind. Two-days a week for a few more weeks and I will be fully on the new path. Where will it take me? What will I create for myself?

It is lovely, sunny, cool day. A good day to set out on this journey.

October 14 – Masks

I have been going into the office 2 days a week to finish up some documents and file my emails. On the 5th all employees were to return to the office after working remotely most days since March. I’ve now seen most of my co-workers except some who work out on construction sites.

There is a mask policy; they are to be worn when we are unable to social distance and be within 5’ of another person as well as in common areas. I find it a relief to get back to my workspace and be able to take off the mask. I find them restrictive with talking and expressing myself. I realize that my smile is hidden but I have not grown accustomed to waving or speaking in greeting instead of my habit of smiling at others.

Am I coming off as more grumpy than usual?

Twice my boss has come into my work group area to greet me. He wears a black mask. There is something about his appearance that shuts me down. I don’t feel comfortable to speak and just respond to his greetings or questions.

I am hoping that by writing this down that I will gain some insight. I’m thinking about a post Christianne Northrop posted about how thousands of years ago the Arab nation found the hijab to be useful to subdue women leading them to be kept as property.

OK … where am I going with this? Why do I feel restricted, subdued, by seeing my boss in his black mask? (My inclination is to say I feel offended by the mask but it is deeper. It doesn’t make me mad or afraid, something deep just makes me feel restricted and shut down.)

Tears are there. Beatings (deep past life or collective consciousness memories).

With more thought I think it relates to a fear of authority and being unable to see the person’s face to see their feelings and know that they are friendly towards you. My thoughts also go to when I have seen Trump and Biden with masks on and there is a feeling of discomfort within me so this helped me to realize it is concern regarding authority figures.

October 21 –Many Feelings Today.

Work: yesterday I packed my things and said my good-byes. I have left my work position of 30 years to move into retirement. I have many mixed feelings about this change.

Happy: I’m happy to let go of the stress of being a project manager on costly public projects. Dealing with property owners and contractors was not fun – I never wanted to deal with any form of conflict or confrontation … but I got good at it. I’m happy to have time at home for creative endeavors such as gardening and writing – happy for the time to clean and organize things as well. I’m happy to have more time to be with those I love: family, friends, and cats.

Sad: I’m sad to not get to design all the projects I expected I would be able to over the years. It’s funny now to think back to several years ago when there was no thought of retiring and how my project planning had me eventually working on every roadway in this county.  Chatting with several people yesterday, as I made my rounds to say good-bye, made me realize I spent all my years focused on the project work therefore I gave little time to the personal stories from all of the nice, talented people I worked with – I am sad for this.

Stressed: I’m worried about a few things. I am not feeling totally free from the job yet so there is still the sense of responsibility if something unexpected will arise that I need to address. I worry that not working won’t be good for my brain. I worry that I chose to stop just as winter is approaching – will I stay motivated to be active?

Opportunities: While chatting with my co-workers I learned that one retiree bought a farm. This gave me a feeling of excitement within me as it represented that a whole new life can be started and lived after ‘retirement’. Remember Tricia that anything is possible.

I am excited for my writing thanks to the Hay House Writers’ Community and getting underway using Scrivener software.

Prayers that the health of planet and it’s humans improves so I can travel once again.

October 22 – Conversation with Higher Self

I woke up this morning feeling a burden over me. I relate this to the adjustments I am still trying to comprehend and settle into due to my no longer working. The little things I needed to do each day, like sending an email, have seemed like the greatest burdens in recent weeks. Is this telling me that my work responsibilities that I felt were great burdens were not actually so and just my mind’s perception as I now feel the same about minor ‘to do’s?

What lesson do you have for me this morning HS?

~Relax. Breathe. This time is lovely … as all moments are. But, now you should be able to see the gifts around you as you enter this time of leisure.

I see that I am making many projects to busy myself. I feel excitement with this. Am I handling this wrong? (Thank you for this conversation.)

~Thank yourself. It is always within you. It is fine to sit and choose to do nothing but it is the time for you to create. Appreciate the freedom of flexibility that is now with you. Excitement is a wonderful thing.

As I re-read my question about ‘greatest burdens’ I am hearing ‘drama’. I think I am meant to understand that I judged certain experiences and interactions with others negatively for the purpose of bringing drama into my life. Why?

~Not quite this. The role drama plays is about making one feel important. This tool overshadows the background feelings of unworthiness and lack. Humans always want to feel important and have created this psyche that struggle, burden, responsibility, and the handling of it makes you somehow above others … competing in the struggle. There are those who strive to show themselves as the strongest and those who strive to be the greatest victim.

I think my choice was (is) to show myself as strong. I recently heard a spiritual teacher (I think it was Kryon) say that our underlying feelings of unworthiness come from the many lives that we were persecuted for our mystical abilities, that we suffered pain but also the lack of acceptance and our gifts not being seen by our peers. We learned to suppress ourselves to insure acceptance and safety. Perhaps the unworthiness came from knowing we could not be our true selves to be accepted and protected by the clan.

~Yes, it became easier to ‘socialize’ each child and suppress the soul’s personality with the underlying human program than showing your true self was not of use in the physical life – the ‘unworthiness’ program has kicked in quite easily in the young for millennia.

To expand on that … I can see how once we had adopted this as adults, with our true self-awareness shut down, this allowed for all the wars and lack of compassion enabling us to harm others. And, the competition to make ourselves feel over and above another. How do we break the unworthiness program?

~I am the Love. I am the Light. I am the Truth. I am.

I just got a nice hit on the “Truth” affirmation that has been bothering me. Knowingness of worthiness and acting from your True Self is Truth!

I also love the recognition I just had that the channeled messages that so many bring through in this Now provide the concepts and language to lead to our releasing the program. This is why so many say that we don’t need to learn something new but to remember what we already know.

_/\_ Thank you!

~We are always here. Just choose to come here your self.

October 25

It’s Sunday… starting my first full week of not working. I woke up this morning feeling good. Grateful. I had the thought that there is nothing that I have to do. This is a big change from the decades of my mind saying I had to go to work or to list things to do. In recent months I have dreaded anything on my ‘to do’ list.

The funny thing is without work or a list of things to do I seem to be getting more done … and enjoying it. I am feeling happy, content, and loving. I feel more giving. Perhaps the work was more overwhelming then I realized wherein, I was protecting myself from others taking more from me then I thought I could handle. Each day that passes I feel more relaxed about doing more. I think I had/have a fear of others taking from me.

I feel more peaceful and open.

Had lunch with B. and we talked for hours. As we said good-bye we hugged – The first time in months. I felt stressful energy fly from my neck. Interesting.

October 30

(This day I got into some ramblings while trying to advance the conclusion of my book which led to some inner reflection and questioning. Setting a goal for my heroine Kathy made me question whether she has gained more spiritual wisdom then I have. I decided to not post these random thoughts.)

October 31

I’ve continued to look within to understand the thoughts that cropped up yesterday. Here are a few realizations I came up with.

My self-worth is defined by what I do. Therefore, I felt there had to be something ‘to do’ to be in contact with another person. I never thought someone wanted to be with me, just me, there had to be something happening.

I can also accept love due to a role I have, like loving your mother because she’s your mother. I remind myself all the time that I am important in my sons’ lives because I am their mother, not that they may like me or love me.

I don’t accept myself for just being a being. I don’t look at myself. I don’t love myself. I have decided to do mirror work as well as tell myself ‘I love you’.

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