Happy Sunday!
Since September I have been working on an online course. The course is entitled “Transformation Course”1 which came to me from my inbox via a newsletter I received from PEERS, Public Education & Empowerment Resource Service. I have been moving through the 20 lessons little by little as my time and attention has allowed. The course is a rollercoaster of spirit uplifting films and articles to difficult views of earthly reality via documentaries and past news articles. So far I have not been hit too hard by the difficult lessons as my guides have done a good job in the last few years of directing my attention to what I need to be aware of to adjust to the upcoming changes.
I recently came across one lesson that caused me to pull away and then have to look within for what was really going on inside of me.
The lesson was on core beliefs. With each lesson, once you go through the material provided you are to write down what you thought or felt about the lesson materials before you move to the next lesson. I couldn’t proceed – I couldn’t put down on the page what I felt.
Frankly I felt pissed off. I felt like I have done this work before, looked at my shadow traits, reflected on what I had thought were the only 3 base core beliefs (unworthy, unloved, and helpless) and had written many blogs about overcoming unworthiness. I felt negatively about this lesson believing that I had done my work, found my core belief to be unworthiness, and worked hard to build by confidence in myself. After a day or so of walking away from the lesson, and feeling grumpy about it, I finally realized I was resisting it and that I needed to do the work.
“What you resist persists.”
One evening I took out my journal and wrote the following question on the top of a page. Core beliefs: what are mine and where do they come from?
I went online to find a site that listed dozens of core beliefs and went through the list to see which ones were unsettling to me. Here are the ones I wrote down:
I am all alone; I am not enough; I am not wanted; I am unattractive; I am uninteresting; I am unworthy; I can’t be myself or I will be rejected; I don’t belong; I have to do everything myself; I have to do everything perfectly; I have to make people happy; I’m not understood; If I don’t do it no one will; If vulnerable I will be in danger; my needs are not important; No one ever listens to me.
The thoughts of events from childhood and teenage youth with family, friends, and school as well as my behaviors at work rolled through my mind as I jotted down my list of discomforts.
I was able to summarize these down to the following: unworthy, unwanted, unheard, as well as a fear of vulnerability. I then reflected on my life story to find where these were initiated in me. I was able to find the typical histories of rejection, abandonment, being used … nothing major, just typical events that befall the divine child on the journey to human adulthood.
How did I start behaving way back when? What tools did I take on due to the pain I was trying to cope with?
I know my main tool was to act aloof. This tool meant family sought me out but also friendships couldn’t form. Family always came first to me so I see now that I wasn’t able to recognize this as a problem. Relationships with boys also didn’t occur as I was not open.
Therefore, in my relationships, my being aloof, which caused others to reach out to me, then reinforced the need to feel special. I know I still have this need to feel special. As an adult I get my specialness rewards by my efforts to gain the approval of other by my efforts. I have played the role of the ‘good girl’ for approval of others. I have been the high achiever and hard worker for approval. I have come to believe I have to earn any praise – earn being worthy.
Recently I received some approval at work and found my feelings interesting. I find I want to control the praise. I don’t accept it when it comes. I will take work I am proud of and expect praise which doesn’t come but then I push aside attention and accolades I may receive for other efforts. I see this being because the praises don’t come when I expect them. I want to control everything so I don’t even allow others to bring me feelings of happiness and acceptance.
This shows me that I still act aloof to control my feelings. The reason I see for controlling feelings goes back to my youth; I had a great fear of feeling shame. Today the word shame does not hold the same power over me as it did in my youth. I give credit for that to Brene’ Brown for teaching me the remedy. Shame cannot live in the light. If it is shared it holds no power.
When I reflect on the girl I was before the pains of youth and the shame I inflicted on myself I see I was here just happy, loving, seeing the goodness all around. I recall Mom calling me Pollyanna, a term that is still endearing to me.
From these memories a new core belief rose in my awareness, ‘being happy doesn’t fit in’ – the happy divine child didn’t fit into this world.
I learned it was better to pretend I was just as burdened and miserable as everyone else when I was actually happy to be here – a Pollyanna just trying to get everyone else to see the positive in life. I worked hard at it for a while so I wouldn’t feel so all alone and could just be myself. I ultimately gave in to the teasing and rejection.
I am actually happy! Time to stop playing the game!
I choose to bring forward once again my Pollyanna self. I willingly accept my role to try to get everyone else to see the positive. I think we are ready for authentic positivity.
- Transformation Course, https://www.personalgrowthcourses.net/