Sunday 5-22-16 Wilderness

“We can’t fight darkness with darkness. We have to find compassion, and embrace the darkness inside of us in order to understand it and, ultimately, to transcend it.” ~ Debbie Ford
Happy Sunday!
I admit it – I haven’t stuck to my routine of writing every Sunday. I regret this but I don’t know what to do about it. Yes there have been life events that have gotten in the way the last few weekends but they are not really the reason.
The reason is I have not felt inspired. I don’t mean to say that the creative juices haven’t been flowing, it is that I haven’t felt ‘in spirit’.
I felt myself welling up with sadness to say that – it seems I have been trying not to admit to myself that I am feeling disconnected from my Source.
I have a very strong aversion to labeling anything negatively – I avoid saying things like I’ve had a bad day or that it was a bad winter. It’s been easier to say about the last few weeks that it has been a stressful time rather than label the days, weeks, work, or even people I’m working with as bad.
If I consider the sermon Joel Osteen gave this morning than I am doing the right thing by not using words to put out the negative labels. He said that words can be like swords that leave scars that last for years. I know this is true. And, I know to hold my tongue as he recommended.
But … there is something else here that is bothering me which tells me to go deeper.
Last Sunday I watched Oprah’s Super Soul Sessions. Oprah did an interview with Kerry Washington, the actress. During the interview Kerry attributed some of her awareness of life and spirit to having gone through the wilderness. This metaphor has not left my mind all week.
desert wilderness
When I heard her say it I asked myself, ‘is this what I am going through – a time in the wilderness?’ I considered that the phrase is making reference to Jesus’ 40 days in the wilderness so I pushed against it not wanting to label and make comparison of my bit of worry and stress to the experiences of my Lord.
God has always been good to me so perhaps this time of disconnect and lowliness is my time in the wild, separated from the feeling of well-being and connection.
What you resist persists.
I think I have done a pretty good job of accepting the rigors that each day has brought. There were a couple of weeks where my mind would accelerate into high gear and get away from me. There were days of disconnect involving struggling to remember to be grateful, complaining to friends, and forgetting to pray. But, I did find my way back each time I ventured away from Source.
Have I ventured into the wilderness?
I know there will be something to learn from this time but acceptance does not feel like it is the lesson.
My mind keeps going back to Michael Singer and his life of surrender. This is what I think I must reflect on – surrender. What do I think this looks like in comparison to where I am?
I see Micky’s smiling face lit up with excitement and wonder as life unfolds before him. How to I come to that state of excitement and bliss with the unknown that unfolds in my own life?
My mind has now moved to an early lesson I received last Fall from Sadhguru. I remember him teaching to practice having gratitude for Life with the thought that it could all go away in an instant with a change of mind by the Creator. I recall myself going about my day giving thanks for Life.
It is now Monday evening. I spent the day practicing gratitude for Life. As I went through my day I allowed beauty, and a pile of garbage, to be a trigger to allow my awareness break into the routine activity of my mind and interject appreciation for Life. I feel a bit more myself.
As I walked out in the sunshine earlier today I thought about being out in the wilderness … am I separated from you God?
I heard the response, ‘how is that possible?’
I realized it is not possible – this is all just nonsense my mind has created. How can I be separated from All That Is? Can a fish who has come to realize that they exist in water and can only have Life within it suddenly forget and live without it? He can forget but he cannot live without it. Any separation I feel is of my own making – I cannot BE separate from God, All That Is.
In God I move and breathe and have my being.
I sooooo desire to be with you. And yet the only thing that can keep us apart is me.
I’ll be a smart fish who is aware and grateful for the water.
“The three great mysteries: air to a bird, water to a fish, mankind to himself.” ~ Hindu Proverb

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