Sunday 2-28-16 Beautiful boy

ian hike 10
“Before you go to sleep; Say a little prayer. Every day in every way; It’s getting better and better. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy.” ~ John Lennon
Happy Sunday!
My son left Friday evening; I cleaned up his room on Saturday morning.  As I was packing up the vacuum and looking into the room I thought, “This is how I always wanted it to look. But, now he isn’t here.”

Regrets. Why did my expectations overshadow my appreciation of his childhood period that he shared with me?
He was supposed to stay at school this past Tuesday but when he met his roommates he learned that none of them were moving in until this weekend so he came home when I came home that evening. We drove separate cars but both arrived in the driveway moments apart.
I had worried all that day about the drive home because the weather wasn’t great and it is a long drive for me. I felt really good as I drove.  I was happy and energized that he was coming back home. The time just flew along with the miles. My mind recognized my good feelings and I thought that this must be the right thing because I feel so good.
When I met him on the driveway he told me he had a miserable drive and struggled to stay awake. I wondered about my feeling good and his feeling bad. A big lesson from LOA is that you are moving in alignment with Source when your feelings are good and against Source when feelings feel bad.
Could his coming home be right for me but not the right thing for him?
I haven’t come up with an answer to that question but it did make me more mindful that the things I may want or feel about him may not be what is right for his life. Since Tuesday I have told him how I feel, not wanting him to go and missing him, but I have added that I know he must.
I have my expectations about how things should be.
For Lent I am getting daily email lessons from I watched the Saturday message this morning, it was about judgment. Jesus told us not to judge. The presenter on the video, Matthew Kelly, asked that we count how many times today we judge ourselves and others. When he asked how many we judge each day I said, ‘a billion’. When he said “Count!” I felt like weeping because I know judgment pervades all of my thoughts.
As I put together my thoughts today about judgment and the expectations I have put on the people in my life I realized they are the same. Expectations are the judgments we place on future events. We judge how people should act or how events should take place so we can be happy, comfortable, or without fear.
Matthew Kelly said Jesus wants us to learn acceptance instead of judgment.
Instead of placing expectations on the future how do I accept what is to come? Surrender!
(Obvious answers always come.)
I went back to search my blog about my prior thoughts on surrender. I found my writings of the past on expectations. I realized there is nothing new here that I am reflecting on. I’m judging myself about old regrets and berating myself for the expectations I held instead of love. Here is another judgment to add to my counts of the day.
I feel bad that my son has left. I need to just accept it.
It is not about shame or regret. I just need to grieve. Sadhguru said grief is about the loss (hole) we feel within ourselves.
My teenage son has gone. I know that his body and personality are evolving into a man. The boy will soon be no more just as the infant, toddler, and child left me.
Did I love him enough? Does it really matter? This is all about me and not about him.
There is a lot here to accept. I need to see my role as parent differently, to recognize that he is his own person now and not a reflection on me.
He is not mine; I have to release the thought of control. I never really had it but somehow I had the expectation that I was supposed to have control of my children.
I didn’t create them; the will of their Source did it. My role was just to help them survive through their youth and to teach about this crazy place.
I accept that I did an OK job.
I love them because they are beautiful and not because I am supposed to.
They are God’s gifts to me. Not to own like a present but a gift to appreciate like the sunset or a flower. God gave me a piece of Life to hold for a time and to wonder over. I felt that feeling when they were infants but that appreciation left as they moved out into the world as ‘my children’.
This is where I think the ‘regret’ comes in. I regret that my attention moved away from the wonder and appreciation for the lives that came to share time with me.
Put God first.
This is the thought currently in my mind. When we see the beauty and appreciate the wonder of the soul before us we put Life first – we put God first.
Mother Teresa said, “I see God in every human being.” Perhaps this is how she looked upon people.
I can get there. I will learn to see clearly.
So it is.

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