Sunday 6-7-15 Who Am I?

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Happy Sunday!
Sorry Universe for not writing last week.  I spent my Sunday traveling from London back to New Jersey.  It was a good trip that I spent just choosing media and reading materials to keep me mellow and in alignment.
All was well.
Since I’ve been home I have done some writing and I have also been trying to catch up on the Writer’s Workshop course I am taking.  I am a week or two behind in watching the video materials that are offered.  I had one good evening of writing that I really enjoyed.  The coursework, on the other hand, seems to be stressing me out.
Platform, promoting, sales, all parts of the book publishing world that I fear.
I know I only have to take one step at a time and that no one is forcing me to be a published writer.  It is my choice.
“Do you hear that, you bothersome guides?”
I am listening though.  I am willing to take it slow, to cautiously see where I am heading.
So a step I took this week was to investigate some online groups recommended by Kris Carr when she spoke on agents and publishers.  One of the groups she recommended seemed like it might be a good fit for me.  I felt comfortable with participating in the group with giving feedback on the types of articles that I saw being published there.  Also, this week I had some big ideas on the formatting of my book so the idea of having a place to share my thoughts on my writing process seemed timely.
I signed up to join the group and had to fill in an application.  The application asked directly, “Who are you?”  I filled out the question being true to my authentic Self; I wrote I was a seeker and how writing was a tool for growth and meditation.
After I submitted the application I had second thoughts. I wondered if the way I described myself was suitable for context of the group.  Fear crept in that my spiritual seeking Self might not fit into what the group wants.
Who am I?
This question has always seemed to be a stumbling block for me.  How best to describe all the aspects of me?  When someone asks do you just give them the description of the part that they may encounter?  The big question makes me feel I have to answer as authentically as possible, that my answer reflect the most significant part of me.
Back in 2003 I took a yearlong leadership course.  The first day of the course involved team building activities that were designed so that students got to know each other well for our year long journey together.  First thing we were asked to do was to spend two minutes with another person and tell them who we are – just like speed dating.  I went through the activity telling my co-students about my professional life.  Afterward I felt regret because I realized I didn’t think first to say I was a wife and a mother, the more important roles in my life at that time.  I’ve never forgotten that feeling of regret.
Now that I am past asking that big question of the Universe I have a response to “Who am I?”  It is “I am that I am.” I am an eternal being and part of all that is.
I see that doesn’t really work out there in the everyday world.  I certainly couldn’t put that on a resume’.
I want to resolve the feelings I have of not being authentic to give the response people want to know my abilities.
I was just thinking that when asked about ‘who I am’ that I should respond about the things I do.  In my mind this would allow me to feel I am being truthful.  But the more I thought about it I realized there were things about me that I identify with.  I was pleased a few weeks ago to update my bio page to say confidently ‘I am a writer’.  This makes me realize that the things I love to do I also like to identify with.  I say easily that I am a writer, a gardener, a seeker.  I don’t want to say ‘I am a housekeeper’ because I’d rather not have to clean my home.
I identify with the big roles I have had in my life.  There are the ones I was born into: daughter, sister, girl, woman.  Then there are those life roles I chose to take on: wife, mother, and engineer. These are where the culture expects me to say ‘I am’ this or that.
I think there are levels.
Yes, I am part of ‘All That Is’ but I was also individualized to experience uniquely my little part of the Universe.
These parts of me that I identify with remind me of my lessons on archetypes.  My understanding is that above the level of our individual souls there are the groupings of innate traits, or some may call personality types, that Jung called archetypes. The unique combinations of these form the individual.
When I did my archetype work on myself back in April 2013 (following Caroline Myss’ book Sacred Contracts) I evaluated my 12 innate traits.  Caroline provided the first four then I determined the rest.  They are: prostitute, saboteur, victim, child (‘divine’ I was able to determine), guide/crone, engineer, seeker, mother, wounded healer, story teller, virgin, and student.
It is nice to look at these again.  Yes, they are all part of who I am.
It is nice to identify with being an eternal being.  There is peace and comfort in knowing there is constancy in a world that is always changing.  It is also nice to feel grounded and a part of the physical world.  I feel filled with gratitude for all the beauty and the gifts of creation.
I think that in future I will feel much more comfortable with speaking about who I am.  The local and the non-local parts of me are all wonderful and valid.  I hope that I can become comfortable with sharing all parts of me with others.
“As long as you think of your real self as the person you are, then of course you’re going to be fearful of death. But what is a person? A person is a pattern of behavior, of a larger awareness. You know, the two-year-old dies before the three-year-old shows up, the three-year-old dies before the teenager shows up.” ~ Deepak Chopra

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