Sunday 12-28-14 Assuming bad & good.

“If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don’t tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don’t understand we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.”
Miguel Ruiz

Happy Sunday!

I just spent the last couple of hours trying to break into what I am going to write about.  I feel like there is something that I have yet to learn but all of the ideas that come to me just feel like I will be writing a sermon of things I get already.
Preaching is not the purpose of this blog.  What I have learned is the purpose of this blog is for me to write to work through what is bothering me so that I learn something new and, that I have documented the process of my growth for my own reference.  I also like to think that someday my writing will help to guide someone else to find their way along their own path.
I know when I feel bothered that my feelings are telling me that I am not in alignment with Source.
So what is actually bothering me?
I am focused on the unhappiness of those I love.  It is Christmas time when we (I) put such high expectations on making everyone happy.  Most of my family is doing very well but there are those few who are hurting right now who are of concern to me.  I just have this great need for everyone to be happy.  I suppose I can’t help my Pollyanna-self coming out.
Is it OK to look on bright side around someone who is feeling down?
And, what should be the correct behavior for me to have when someone around me is hurting?
I just want everyone to be happy.  I know that happiness is a choice you make in every moment; it is a personal choice so that I, as outside of the other, can’t really make that person happy.
I wasn’t sure where to go with this writing so I let other things push themselves ahead of getting this blog done in the morning.  In the afternoon I watched Don Miguel Ruiz on Super Soul Sunday today; it was a repeat of the interview with Oprah about the book “The Four Agreements”.  I realized from their conversation that I need to work on the third agreement “don’t make assumptions”.  I am wondering now if my worry and concerns are all assumptions.  I am not saying that my loved ones are actually happy but that perhaps I am assuming that their hurt is a problem and also, that I can somehow solve the problem.
If I was hurting would I want someone to solve my problem?  Not if I didn’t seek the solution. If I wanted help I would ask for it. Sometimes we just know that we need to be sad or hurt and that only time will improve the situation. Or, we seek the advice of those who might have similar experience or seek help from experts to get us through the really difficult times.
So what do we need from our loved ones? LOVE!
Don Miguel says the way to move past assumptions is to ask questions to get to clarity.  He also says we let our mind make assumptions to avoid the difficulty of asking questions.  I can see how I very much am guilty of assuming too much – my mind definitely likes to get to deep into figuring out how to solve the problems of others.  I am also guilty of thinking my answers are good ones because of my spiritual perspective, a really bad assumption I am now thinking.  The only saving Grace I have is that I know I can’t force my perspective on someone else so at least I haven’t been pushy or defensive in giving out my perspective based on my assumptions.
How can I help?
I think that is all I really have to say to those I love.  That is what I would want to hear.  And I expect that I would respond to such a question with “I’m just glad you are here”.  Love and support is what is needed in most cases – there I go assuming again!
Here is another fear in asking questions – someone may ask for more than I am willing to give.  This is a benefit of making assumptions, laying out the problem and solution in my own head so that I get to sort through all the options of solutions first to then offer what I am willing to give.   I can recall instances where this didn’t really work as I assumed what I saw as a solution would be seen by the other person as a solution as well and it wasn’t.
I know the best thing to offer to someone hurting is unconditional Love.  My over-thinking, assumptions, and vetted solutions fall far from being unconditional.
I think that making assumptions to help may be an act of ego.  My ego will feel good in several ways by offering solutions to another’s problems: ego can feel good about helping, it can be happier when the  other person is happy again, it can feel good about getting it right or defensive it advice is rejected, it can feel superior when it thinks it has it all figured out.
I would like to be a healer.  I would like to have the gift of understanding to realize someone’s problem and, using clarity and Truth, give them the tools to resolve the problem within themselves.  There are mystics and saints who can do this.  I wonder how.
It is said they see through the eyes of Love to the true essence of a person.  Don Miguel spoke of his knowledge to write the book came from a transcendent experience where he just understood Truth.  He said he learned in a moment that the Earth was alive, all things are alive, and that every cell is a Universe.
This Truth that he was vague about, is it that he instantly understood that everything is God, everything is sacred, every person holy?
If I can see my loved one as just another aspect of God, the good or bad, the trouble or well-being are just another aspect of God as I am, no better or worse than myself.  It is in these thoughts that the ideas of the ego can be dropped and the intention of just Love can exist.
I believe this is where the true solution lies; the intention needs to be true.  Somehow, through our energy, our intention is the message that passes between us.  I think we sense each other more than hear each other.
There are a few things helping me in my understanding of this lesson.  First I am thinking of Brene’ Brown speaking of sharing your shame, how someone has to earn the right to hear your shame.  It needs a person who will just be there to support you, not criticize, judge, compare, or problem solve.  I think this is the same when you are hurting; you want the support of someone being with you without any action or expectations.
I am also thinking of lessons about working on acceptance of the dark parts of ourselves and life.  I just finished reading “Learning to Walk in the Dark” by Barbara Brown Taylor.  In this book Barbara journals about her own journey to find peace, well-being, and acceptance in the dark places of the world: the night, caves, grief, death, and sorrow.
Another lesson here is the bad times are OK too.
I was just thinking that I would have to give up my Pollyanna self as I was thinking her purpose was to make others happy.  I have been remembering this incorrectly in my recalling how I was happy as a young child and then I lost that.  Pollyanna looked for the good in all things, the bad and the good, the things that make you happy or make you sad.
How do you find the good in the sad times?
There is always something to be gained by going through the hard times.  This morning Joel spoke of expecting beauty to come from ashes.  We grow and learn from the dark times.  We learn to appreciate the experiences of light by our ability to compare with the dark times.  We also learn not to fear the dark as we learn that life is about change and that behind it all, all is well.
I feel more peaceful about accepting the tough times, even for those people that I care about.  I have learned from my own experiences of dark times to surrender and let God lead the way through.  I know I must also allow God to do the problem solving for my loved ones instead of it being me.
I will be aware of assuming and strive for clarity.
I will be peaceful in the dark.
I will Love well.
 “Bad times have a scientific value. These are occasions a good learner would not miss.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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