Sunday 6-22-14 Looking in

“Intention is the core of all conscious life. It is our intentions that create karma, our intentions that help others, our intentions that lead us away from the delusions of individuality toward the immutable verities of enlightened awareness. Conscious intention colors and moves everything.” ~ Master Hsing Yun

Happy Sunday!

I have been feeling very peaceful this week, I think that my current morning practice of reading the “Yoga Sutras of Patanjali” are helping me focus back on meditation and devotion.
Although I feel peaceful there has been some turbulence in my relationship with my husband.  He has gotten angry at me several times calling me selfish.  I accepted it, if that is the word he chooses to use for my behavior than OK, I didn’t really understand.  I did understand that he was upset with me so I spent time Friday night and Saturday morning reflecting on what I was not understanding.
Before falling to sleep on Friday, in the bed by my self, I thought about the situations that he said had upset him.  They were cases where I felt he got involved in things I was doing, criticizing me, and worrying about material things over my feelings.  I was feeling righteous that I should hold onto doing things my own way over worrying about if an object will break.  I did recognize that my behavior towards him was closed off so that was not right.
I thought about my tools for understanding and compassion, those of trying to see the situation another way.  If the situation was reversed would I have felt the frustration he did?  No, the object wasn’t important.  I tried to think of situations involving objects that are more important to me, like my car, but I still wasn’t getting the understanding that I needed.
I asked the Holy Spirit to help me understand.  Then I fell asleep.
I woke at 4:30 am with a foot cramp.  I haven’t had one of those in decades.  I sat up to put my foot on the ground and it quickly went away.  As I laid my head back on the pillow I was given the following message:
“you must accept to be accepted.”
There it was – I knew.  I locked it away and fell back to sleep.
When I woke in the morning I did my work to see things differently.  “You reap what you sow” so what was I sowing?
I knew I had to be the one to say I was sorry, but for what?  I was not seeing Peter.
I realized that my strong Self enabled me to keep my peace but, in this case I was keeping out my partner because of a fear of past hurt that my old weak self created. I was being selfish.
Perhaps I wasn’t verbally reactionary, insulted, or offended by the situations that had occurred between us but I was defensive.  I just heard criticism, I couldn’t even say what the words were, I became righteous and separated myself to maintain my self worth and high energy.
I went deeper to ask what my husband’s intention was?  He just wanted to help.
Going deeper meant moving past the words that perhaps, were scattered or pointed to erroneous things – his heart was saying to me that his intention was loving.
I felt gratitude for this realization – a new tool of compassion!  I feel like I have been given a gift to now better understand what is in a person’s heart!  It’s a simple tool to just take a moment to consider what is the intention behind the words that are being spoken.
I know from my own experiences of being fearful of speaking out about what I really want to say, that I could twist words to take emphasis away from what I really want.  To speak what is actually in your heart you make yourself vulnerable so we play games with words.  I want to hold onto this new tool of looking for the intention of the heart in my intimate relationships and also daily with all people so I can keep learning to Love.
I apologized to Peter.  I believe my words resolved the hurt I had caused.  It was a hard conversation but interestingly, it flowed in such a way that all the thoughts that prior to, I thought of saying and then rejected as too much, were able to be said.
You know how after you speak with someone, especially those important conversations, you think of all the things you wish you had said?  I just felt awe and wonder for God who had guided and supported me through understanding this problem and then speaking my truth.
It is my intention to Love.
“People call love blind, but love in reality is the light of the sight. The eye can only see the surface; love can see much deeper. All ignorance is the lack of love. As fire when not kindled gives only smoke, but when kindled, the illumination flame springs forth, so it is with love. It is blind when undeveloped, but, when its fire is kindled, the flame that lights the path of the traveler from mortality to everlasting life springs forth.” ~ Hazrat Inayat Khan

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