Sunday 4-6-14 Loving because I want to.

“As one can see when the eyes are open, so one can understand when the heart is open.” ~ Bowl of Saki, April 6, by Hazrat Inayat Khan

Happy Sunday!

My heart cracked open a good bit wider yesterday; I had what spiritual people call a breakthrough. I have been on this journey to know Love better because I am feeling it in some areas of my life but not in others. I have been exploring as exemplified by my writing last month, 3-9-14, I asked the question “What does Love feel like?” There was something in my heart that had me trying to dig it out.
Earlier this week Dr. Oz had a segment on sexuality that Peter and I had a discussion about after watching the segment. Peter had some insightful ideas about the roles we act out during sex based on the type of love we may be needing at the time. We may be looking for motherly love, giving love like we would give our child, or sharing friendship love. As I have recently acknowledged to myself that I am better off giving myself time to reflect on ideas, and perhaps write about them, I decided to do just that instead of making up some quick response that may not actually be true for me.
Yesterday morning I sat down and began writing and just let my thoughts take me on a journey. I wrote my thoughts on Peter’s ideas, I wrote on sexuality, I wrote on spirituality and I noticed certain ideas about connection would bring up a pain in my heart. For hours I was thinking and writing, one moment sure of whom I was and what I wanted and the next feeling a pain I could not understand.
I questioned the pain and then remembered having written down some thoughts on sexuality a year or so ago so I returned to it to see where my questions had lead me at that time. What I had written in the past was another thought journey that led me to a happy acceptance of what I was struggling with at the time. What I felt yesterday as I re-read it was resentment.
There was that pain again. The thought came to my mind that I am going through a healing process – that I am in recovery. “From what?” I thought. PTSD came to mind.
I realized I had a story. A pain story I had made up in my mind about how difficult it was raising my children, being a wife, going to work, and having to give up who I really was. A story about betraying myself to be and do everything society expected me to be. With awareness came the realization that I had played the roles to meet the expectations that I thought existed; to be what I thought others expected me to be.
To bring shame to my story I realized that to mask the pain that I did this to myself I was instead placing blame on my husband and children for my ‘story’ of pain. This was the cause of the coldness I was feeling in my heart. It was a fear that they will take me away from me again. My story was a lie.
None of it was true so I had to confront my story. I know my heart was closed before any of them ever came into my life. Yes I loved them but my way of showing love was by doing; action was how I communicated love, I didn’t know another way.
I hurt and suffered by my own choosing. While I may think I didn’t get the love in return for all I did, I truly did. I didn’t accept the love that I was being given. I didn’t take the time to bask in the love that was there with my sons. I didn’t accept all the words of love my husband gave. Looking back I don’t think that I felt gratitude for all that I had.
I had a good long cry about this. I spoke words of forgiveness to my self.
I found words of truth and gratitude to speak over my life. My new realization says that this is a loving home built upon the love that I knew how to give at the time. Now I know better and I want a better Love! I acknowledge that I have built a great foundation to be proud of.
I shared my shame story with Peter.
Now the pain story is revealed and it can just evaporate.
As my long exercise of writing ended yesterday I was left with a simple message that is Truth to questions of sexuality, loving, and all of life:
… we all just want to feel connection.
“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.” ~ Brene’ Brown

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