Sunday 5-26-13 ~ Childhood Pain

Happy Sunday!

“Truth, like gold, is to be obtained not by its growth, but by washing away from it all that is not gold.” ~ Leo Tolstoy
I feel like calling this past week my week of miracles as new insights have come my way and have helped me to open more of myself.
Tuesday evenings for the last several months has been a time I have been on my own as the family is all busy with school and work so I have been making this my “Caroline” time by watching lecture videos by Caroline Myss and doing lessons from her books.  After completing the lecture I wanted to see (on if you’re interested) I turned back to her book Sacred Contracts that I have been working with for a couple of months.  I wrote about this back on April 14 and 21, going through the discovery of my archetypes.  Well, a couple of weeks ago I put the book aside as I was full of doubt.  After figuring out my twelve archetypes the next assignment was to relate them to life aspects such as relationships, ego, spirituality, occupation, and  life values,  these being connected to the houses of the zodiac.  I never put much serious thought into the zodiac and, to add to my doubt, the instructions were that I was to align my archetypes with these houses, not by reflection as I expected, but by shuffling the two groups, written on cards, and randomly casting the groups; these were then marked on my archetype wheel. Having followed through on the directions, I could not make sense of most of the groupings even by journaling on the many questions Caroline provided to reflect on the groupings.  This is why I walked away from the process for a couple of weeks.  Well Tuesday evening I went back to Sacred Contracts and worked through questions of betrayal and forgiveness, I wrote down the connections that came to mind and felt my faith coming back as things were starting to make sense.
On Wednesday evening I watched a recording of an old Oprah Winfrey show where she interviewed the author Harville Hendrix, author of “Getting the Love You Want” who Oprah called the best expert on relationships she had ever met.  The premise of his book is not that marriage is about “happily ever after” but that it is about healing.  He said that we fall in love with the person who will help us to work through our childhood pain and this is why relationships are difficult.  Their purpose is to bring up those hurts and behaviors we received in childhood that have closed us up to expressing our true selves (my words).
Over these months of growth I have had some glimpses of childhood pain but I have pushed it away for fear of bringing up resentment toward my parents.  We’re not supposed to live in the past, right?
When the program ended I returned to reading Sacred Contracts and the next assignment was to pose a life question to yourself and use the groupings of archetypes/houses to guide you to answers.  So I asked “Do I have pain left from childhood?”  To answer the question the process was to just reflect on your wheel and follow the thoughts that arise from the archetypes, being guided by which ones grab your attention.  I was drawn to my “divine child” in the “life values” house.  I wrote what came into my mind in my journal “I just wanted to share my joy”. This was my pain – not enough sharing of LOVE, the physical and emotional expression of joy.  I worked through the thoughts that each of the twelve archetypes told me and the story unfolded; how lack of expression of love hurt my self esteem and my faith, but then there were those archetypes’ stories that led me to where I today, aware and whole, living my joy each day.
I am thinking that what I have written here is more “woo-woo” then I am really that comfortable sharing but I felt I needed to provide the back-story to support my miracle.  My eldest son finally started to open up about his anxiety that he has been blocking about his childhood.  I have been praying for this for over a year as I feel there has been a wall between us.  I see the work on my own childhood pain as the preparation I needed to be ready to converse with him.  I recognize that I modeled my family trait of lack of intimacy and feel I didn’t give him the LOVE he needed as a child, just as I didn’t receive it.  I know that he, like me, was this bright shining loving spirit that came to this earth to LOVE fully.
I admitted to him my regret at not embracing his spirit and said I am sorry.  It took me to 50 years of age to become aware of these past negative drains on my psyche, I pray for his awareness and release of the past in a time frame that is much sooner in his life so he can be phenomenal.
“Your crown has been bought and paid for.  All you have to do is put it on your head” ~ James Baldwin as repeated by Toni Morrison

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