Happy Sunday! While listening to a homily on the Center for Advance Contemplation this morning, something Father Rohr said struck a chord in me. This conversation with MHS was the result of my reflections.

“Who are the bad people now?” Father Richard Rohr asked.

I feel I need to look at this and how it relates to self-esteem as I heard Caroline Myss speak of in her new Gaia show. Caroline spoke of learning to esteem ‘yourself’. She said to take down notes of how often in the day we think and worry about what someone else thinks of us.

On the day that I was trying to be mindful of thinking about what others will think a situation came up with my boss. I had sent out an email to a group. He immediately sent me an email to change how I worded a request to set up a meeting. I emailed him back that I would once I had started getting initial feedback from others. He immediately called me into his office. It was obvious that he was disturbed, possibly angry, but he held onto it as he is a very good person who takes good care of his staff. The issue came down to a word I had used that to him had one meaning (that he used to trigger a certain action) that I did not hold the same meaning to the word. I explained my reasons for my actions and he did apologize. I also apologized for not understanding how he wanted things handled.

So is this event meant to relate to Father Rohr’s question?

Yes.

I’m not seeing it. Am I the bad person now?

Always have been.

That does not feel good. Feels like an insult but I know a lesson is coming.

Yes. Working on that inner thing that holds onto your-self as bad.

I’m not sure I feel that.

It’s deep. Why can’t you allow someone to apologize? It’s about what they will think of you. Think of it from an energy perspective. The other person gets upset at you due to a miscommunication or perception.

What’s happening with energy with anger? I feel like it hits me.

Disturbance.

From the book “Power versus Force” I learned that anger is a lower form of energy. Does it just hit or take?

It grabs the energy from you and pulls you down quickly. So when someone recognizes their error and wishes to apologize, then you apologize back (or ‘poo-poo’ the offering) you are just putting up a block to the smoothing of the energy.

I thought it would be better to let the other feel that I was OK.

Worrying about what others think. If you accept the apology with gratitude – highest energy – you smooth the energy flow, and soothe the feelings. As you know there is a boost of good feeling (most times) when you switch your perception to align with another. This is the feeling of resonance returning between the two. To not receive the apology or take the blame blocks and there is then longer time and effort needed for the resonance to return.

So where are we now with my deep issue of being bad?

Why won’t you accept the apology?

A couple of reasons:

1. To help the other person feel better (at least I thought I was helping);

2. My belief that both parties have some responsibility.

So you think you are always at fault?

Why … yes.

Work to do, work to do…

When Peter comes in the door angry from an issue at work, are you to blame?

No.

He does apologize most times.

Yes.

Do you accept? Are you grateful?

No

Blocks.

Ok, I think I get the energy part as I can sense the energies so this will help me to be more aware. What about the bad?

Yes. Do you think you are worthy of the apology?

On the surface, rationally, yes. Now I feel a deeper ‘No’.

Esteem the self. It’s ok to receive the apology.

I am realizing now that I am also not good at receiving love. Believing I am loved. It still comes as a surprise to think that my children, spouse, siblings love me. What is that thing I have that I need a reason, something to say, to contact someone?

Not worthy to just be … to be in their lives. What does everyone seek?

Connection.

Why would it be different for your loved ones?

Lately I am falling back into the ‘aloofness’ – my default mode of waiting for others to connect with me to get love/energy.

That’s another issue – programming. We are digging for the deeper root. That piece of ‘bad’ down deep that is the core belief that leads to unworthiness.

Is it some event of this life?

No.

Is it an event of a past life?

Yes and no. It’s of the collective.

(The following are the notes I wrote down from having a major breakthrough. For the first time I felt the experience that so many others have found hard to explain – the awareness of seeing life from a higher perspective; feeling open, vast, unteathered. Sorry if the words below don’t convey a phenomenal experience.)

It has to do with the female. (weeping coming). I am getting to the connection … being less for so long.

Someone has to be bad.

(Crying now.) WHY?

I’M CRYING FOR ALL OF US!

Now laughing – it’s all so stupid!!!  SUCH A GAME!

Shake all this crap off! I don’t want it anymore! Oh God, take it away, take it away!

I can’t stop shaking this out of my body. It’s all so ridiculous. A GAME!

“no one ever is to blame.” (Howard Jones song from 1980s playing in my mind.)

Is it gone? I had to play a role. What about free will?

It’s the game. Higher consciousness different from lower.

… cloud storage versus local. This is where we are going to truly perceive from higher level, higher consciousness to understand the players in the game. No good, no bad, just playing for the purpose of experience.

Yes.

No one I know is going to get this.

Try.

I see it now. This is how we ascend.

Yes.

… to see it all from above.

Play.

No good. No bad.

I know there is so much more to ponder and question. Help me to keep this awareness

You’ve got it inside … and written down. LOL

Thank you.

You’ve got this.