“True forgiveness is when you can say, “Thank you for that experience.” ~ Oprah Winfrey
Happy Sunday!
Back in the beginning of October I wrote in my journal about a realization that had me feeling like Judas again.  On a Saturday evening Ian walked in from being at work all day and his energy was very high.  He had lots of good reports to give me from his new job.
As I had been away for a couple of days he looked different to me.  I told him he was looking very tall and thin.  I could also see signs of his face starting to change from boy to man.
He looked brand new but there was also an old familiar look I recognized.  His light was back on, the light that shined so brightly when he was a little boy!  When he was little I used to call him my ‘energizer bunny’ as he had endless energy when he was loving life.  I think he is living this way again.
As I walked upstairs to put my luggage away I thought that I was now able to see his soul light again. I entered my bedroom where I have photos of my children at various stages of growth. As it felt like I hadn’t seen his light since he was little I quickly looked at a photo of him from first grade expecting to see his light shining.  I was surprised to look at the photo of my little beautiful boy and instantly recognize a sadness.  I have looked at that photo across from my bed for many years and just never saw it before.
When I think back about why my boy was sad I know that first grade was a bad year for him in school.  And perhaps it was more than that, perhaps it was the year that his soul fell to earth.
This made me feel like a Judas and that line from Jesus Christ Superstar played in my head. “Lord I will never ever know why you chose me for your crime.”  (On 3-24-14 I also wrote about my regrets and of thinking of myself as Judas to my sons.)
This week the family has another of our beautiful children struggling, my niece.  When I told Peter of her illness he said that it is about issues with the parents.  I get that, the child is reflecting the dysfunction in the family.
This brought me back to my past thoughts and made me have to once again ask what was lacking in me that brought my own children’s’ struggles.  I like to blame it on their school experiences but just know there is more.  When I asked spirit what was it that I did wrong I got the answer that my boys needed the same thing I see my niece needs – To receive all the love they need to feel whole, so they can truly be themselves.  I thought of our beloved children with their pure light that they bring to us, angels who must fall to earth.  And, we parents are the facilitators of the fall.
On Thursday I wrote a poem about these thoughts.
I blamed school as the place of trouble for my sons, perhaps that was the place that brought their shame or embarrassment, but if they had a stable personality by receiving unconditional love and validation the shame could not have touched them.  This is what Dr. Shafali is trying to teach in her book ‘Conscious Parenting’ (she appeared on Oprah’s Lifeclass back in October).  We correct and criticize thinking we are telling our kids how to get along in society instead we teach them they are less, not worthy, unlovable.
We want our kids to be strong for the ‘real’ world and yet our constant correcting and controlling them just belittles their spirit so they are more susceptible to outside manipulation.
We don’t truly love them for who they are.  We love the idea of them for what having them does for ourselves.  We want the parent role, we want to control someone, we want the drama of the fears of parenting, and we want someone who has to love us because we also feel unlovable.
In our using them to make ourselves feel happy we teach them to look for happiness outside of themselves which is the path to suffering, as we all learn as we age.
As I was getting my thoughts ready to write this morning I re-read my post from 3-24-14 and there I had used the quote from Oprah that is on top of this blog today.  It made me realize that I haven’t really moved on yet from my regrets with my kids up bringing.  I am not yet able to say ‘thank you’ for the experience because I still haven’t let go of the thought that it should have been different.
I was then blessed with another memory.  I remembered the first time I wrote about Judas in my blog (back on 3-31-13, Easter Sunday).  I wrote how Judas was also a master come down to assist in the evolution of Humanity.  I said this because I had learned that our eternal souls decide to come to earth for the purpose of experience and evolution.  And, I knew that we make sacred contracts with those we have relationships with while here so we can aid them in their journeys.  Judas and Jesus had a sacred contract.
I too have sacred contracts as we all do. I know this is a world of duality, good and bad, Love and fear.  I guess I, like all other parents signed on to be the perpetrator of the deed. It is my own perspective that judges it as a bad deed.
There are three stages to life the Sufi say: we move away from God, we move toward God, and then we move in God.
I seem to be caught up in changing the way things are.  I do want heaven here on Earth.  I want our hearts to remain open to one another all through our lives.  I want each one of us to know Self Love so that we can Love one another so much better.
That is my desire Lord.
How do I accept your plan over my own?
My son just walked by and it reminded me how well my boys both are. I am so proud of what good people they are.  I am also remembering that they also signed up for their own journeys.
Perhaps God’s way is not so bad.
And, I know that my free will allows me to enhance my perspective of it. LOA!
Namaste’
“We can’t fight darkness with darkness. We have to find compassion, and embrace the darkness inside of us in order to understand it and, ultimately, to transcend it.” 
~ Debbie Ford