My awareness has been drawn to considering the role of shame in my life. This blog is my contemplation of what has come up and what it may mean for my growth.

I recently listened to the podcast with Oprah interviewing Brene Brown about her book ‘Atlas of the Heart.’ They talked about the 87 emotions that Brene describes in the book. Oprah found it useful that the structure of the book was to group emotions with their opposites. They took the time to emphasize that the opposite of perfectionism is shame. The struct me hard after doing work in 2021 on Enneagram and finding myself as a type 1 perfectionist.

On Thursday I worked on ACIM lesson 258 ‘Let me remember that my goal is God.’ I thought that this was an easy lesson for me, but it went another way as I meditated. As I journaled about knowing this as my goal, I realized that I don’t behave that way. I saw the exertion my mind takes to only speak words I think are smart or to be better than the other. I questioned what was behind this and found it to be ‘fear of ridicule’ – shame.

Some backstory.

I held shame as a child over very minor events in my life. For example, one time I assumed I was invited to join a friend’s family to go for ice cream. I was wrong. For years I replayed this in my mind to torture myself with shame. I don’t think it was until my twenties that I was able to say, ‘let it go’, logically it was so minor.

Looking back, I can see that my fixation on shame built up my perfectionism which then led to my being very controlling at home and at work. I needed everything done my way, so I became an over-achiever to do things the way I wanted them. I pushed other people aside.

Thinking of shame now brings tension into my solar plexus. (I took the time to do a meditation that I saw Sue Morter describe in an interview with Lisa Garr on Gaia. I think it has helped to move the shame from my body center.)

Lord, how do I change a lifetime of communication misbehavior?

Love, kindness, being authentic rather than better than is the way to start. I see this is a big step for me to see my brother as myself.