2012 My Year of Miracles-part 2

Winter 2012

I always knew books to be great teachers in my life …
Like many times in the past I felt I wasn’t quite ready to read a book; years earlier Barbara had given to me the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  This book sat in the house for several months as Peter and I were going through a hard time and I knew the book was written by a divorced woman.  Fear made me feel I had to avoid this book until things were good between us. When things were better I read it and I loved it for her bravery in just being indulgent (giving herself what she really wanted).  Many Lives, Many Masters sat until my day off for Martin Luther King Day and then I read it in the one afternoon.  This book, in its few hundred pages, explained why we are here and the purpose of our journey through time. It solidified for me that we indeed have an after life and return in many lifetimes for the purpose of continual learning.  This changed my whole perspective of my life from that of considering only my social roles as wife, mother, and worker to putting focus on that which is the eternal part of me.  Who am I? What am I here to learn? What can I evolve into?
The following weekend I read Ishmael, a strange book but again I found it captivating.  It is a novel that questions what we believe as truths about our culture. The book makes you step back, change your perspective about what we consider the real world, and view our cultural paradigms with new eyes.  For a period of time after finishing this book I was not sure of the purpose of my reading this book and how it fit into the path of knowledge I was on.  I now believe its purpose was to weaken my ego; to fracture its confidence in the belief that the five senses are what we need to understand reality.  Being an engineer and a person of science, my giving way to ideas outside of the physical was not easy. A weakened ego was needed so I could form the questions I needed to ask to continue my journey.
During this period the OWN network aired a movie called I Am by Tom Shadyac which I really enjoyed.  It supported the message of Ishmael, that what we see around us is not all that there is.
Two other books quickly followed that Barbara told me were on Dad’s reading list, Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav and Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield.  These books answered the questions I had about the nature of the soul and how to live with awareness of your soul.  Celestine Prophecy gave me faith in accepting messages in the form of my own intuition and life’s coincidences; these are the guidance we receive as we journey along our path.  I was able recognize that books, movies, songs that pop on the radio, TV shows, anything that grabs your attention, are all guidance along your path.  I learned to hold my questions of life in my mind, the answer would be quick to come.
What have I been doing wrong?
A chapter in Celestine Prophecy spoke of how humans unknowingly control others by taking energy from them instead of getting energy from the universal source.  In overcoming our past we must recognize the behavioural traits we learn in youth from our up-bringing.  The book states that there are four traits used by humans to bring energy to ourselves.  They are:

  • The aggressor: who through yelling and criticism puts down others to take energy.
  • The interrogator:  who questions actions to find fault and then gains energy.
  • The poor me:  who complains of their woes for sympathy to take energy.
  • The aloof person:  who pulls away from others so they have to outreach to connect and give their energy.

I realized that I have been choosing to play the game of being aloof.  I stayed in the background waiting to be sought out so that I could feel special. This behaviour may have worked when I was young and had older family members who cared for me and who would make me feel special, but as an adult this was causing me to be separate from others.
As I became more cognizant of myself as my eternal soul I realized that I had been living my life not feeling worthy.  I didn’t express myself as I felt that others didn’t care for my point of view.  I would only call others on the telephone if I had something important to tell them otherwise I felt I would just be disturbing their lives, that they didn’t really want to hear from me.  The change in my perspective, now seeing my self as my eternal soul on earth for the purpose of learning, made me realize that I was worthy and I just had to choose to be happy.
This idea was reinforced for me one afternoon, I was out on my own shopping, and I just had a sense that when I got back in the car a song would play that would be significant.  That is just what happened.  I turned on my music and “The Greatest Love of All” sung by George Benson (yes this is the same song as done by Whitney Houston, but I first knew it by George).  I never really understood the song before; it was like hearing it for the first time.

 “I decided long ago never to walk in anyone’s shadow.  If I fail, if I succeed, at least I did as I believe.  No matter what they take from me; they can’t take away my dignity. 

“The greatest love of all is happening to me.  Learning to love your self; it is the greatest love of all.”

I came to realize that I had spent my adult life looking for others to validate my thoughts and beliefs and then living frustrated because it almost never happened. At work I might make a mistake or handle something differently than management wanted, I would hear of their displeasure and be frustrated that I never got the opportunity to explain.  At home I would get frustrated with Peter because he would just not see my side of things nor validate my point.  I so needed that approval from everyone as I had no sense of my own worth.  I could only make myself feel good by being busy and doing a good job.  Knowing that I am a unique soul, a part of God, put here for a purpose made me realize that the greatest, never ending source of happiness comes from within me.  The frustration stopped.
Who am I really?
An idea that excited my mind first came to me as part of the story of the boy who remembered his past life as a fighter pilot.  In that story he told his parents that he chose them at the moment of his conception.  This idea of souls choosing their parent intrigued me and it was reiterated in several of the books I had been reading.  One of these books was Celestine Prophecy in which it said our life’s lesson is to be found by evaluating the lessons our parents give us. I was laying on my yoga mat one Saturday morning in February, in corpse pose, and I was thinking of Mom and Dad’s roles here on earth, so I could figure out what I am building my purpose upon.  Dad’s lesson was easy to figure out as I have known it since being a teenager – seek knowledge.  Mom’s lesson seemed a bit more difficult to figure out.  I know she was religious but I also recognize her Catholicism of the 1970s was not that of today, it was much more liberal.  The Church was still in the midst of absorbing the changes of Vatican II to make the faith more accessible to people.  The key message I remember being emphasized in religion classes was “Jesus loves you”.  That made me think about how Mom was always accepting of others and inclusive.  It seemed at first like this idea was not so important, something to take for granted just because it was part of how I was raised.  But then I considered all of the conflict in this Country and around the world and thought, Mom’s believe in equality is a big deal.  That is when it hit me that Mom’s lesson to us was to be accepting of others.  That makes my role to seek wisdom and include others!  I began to weep at this realization!
Around the same time Barbara gave to me some writings of Dad’s that she had typed and wanted proof read.  When Dad passed, Barbara had cleaned off his desk and collected any papers that were hand written or looked to be original writings printed from his computer.  The longest of these writings was incredible in its content discussing the true state of form (the physical world or our reality).  The writing explains two phases of the universe, those being the infinite spiritual plane and the finite physical plain.  It said our physical plain is being created by the vibrations of electrons manipulated by our spiritual beings, thereby creating our physical selves.  (In my perception this idea is supported in quantum physics by the results of the double slit experiment where an observer affects the results of the experiment.)  Also, the document described our spirit as a minute piece of the whole that is God. Like a drop of water has the same properties of the sea it came from or that a drop of blood contains all the elements of the body it sprang from.  This information was so profound in helping me consider my relationship to God and the universe.  It also helped me to broaden my consideration of the infinite plain.
From my reading of this particular writing, I did have a very strong sense that it should not be attributed to Dad so I Googled a unique phrase and I found this writing to come from the book Echoes of Evolution by Anthony J. Fisichella, published in 2004.  Dad having passed in early 2004 it was surprising about the dates; Dad had references at the back of this writing and referenced Cosmic Constitution of Man that I suspect was a lecture given by Fisichella before the publication of the book; I seem to recall Dad listening to lectures on his tape recorder.
Other wisdom taken from this writing by Fisichella was the explanation of guilt being described as “the space between what we believe and what we do”.  This is so true.
I also appreciated the affirmation of “Today I shall function as intelligently, lovingly, wisely, and harmlessly as I know how”.
Finding the positive in life was explained as once one accepts life is about seeking wisdom then every event, whether good or bad, is a learning experience.
All of these ideas just seemed right to me and helped me to feel more comfortable with behaving in accordance with what I truly felt in my heart.
A new interest is developing …
As you can see the wisdom just kept coming at me and providing me with many paths to pursue in my learning.  The next path also had to do with a writing of Dad’s; it was a meditation for healing (read here).  (I also researched this one found no relationship to other works so I do believe him to be the author, the tone seemed right.)  The wording is instructional, slow, and repetitive to have the listener focus on relaxation.  Once in this state, focus is directed to the location of the body needing healing.  I imagine Dad wrote this to share with his “prayer group”; some friends who gathered for sharing and meditating together.  I didn’t understand the significance of the sharing of the spiritual path then but I do now, his being able to give and receive lessons as part of his learning must have been real joy for him.
Healing became of interest to me and I began using Dad’s methods at the end of my yoga practice to focus on parts of my body that were of concern on a particular day.  I do believe I improved symptoms of my monthly cycle and healed myself from a sore throat that might have turned into a cold; it just took several minutes focus on healing it (and faith).  With this focus came sensations in my body that allowed me to feel energy moving to the places of my focus.
New questions formed about this energy I felt moving around my body.  I had heard of chakras from various sources, even Doctor Oz had had a segment on them.  Following my sister Donna’s death a few family members starting spirituality classes and my brother Paul had been led on the path of becoming a healer using the method of Reiki.  I didn’t know much about it other then the name so I looked it up on Wikipedia and found it to be related to alignment of chakras by the healer for the client.  The information I was provided spoke of location of the chakra points so I added focus on these points to my healing practice.
Others books I read during this period include:
The Way of the Essenes, Christ’s Hidden Life Remembered by Anne and Daniel Merois-Givaudan.
The Tenth Insight, Holding the Vision, by James Redfield.
Celestine Vision, Living the New Spiritual Awareness, by James Redfield.
The Power of Now, a Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle.
One Day My Soul Just Opened Up, by Iyanla Vanzant.
And during this short season I learned so much …
I became transformed from the guidance that came my way in this short season.  I recognized that my life long sense of not being worthy was wrong.  I now saw Jesus as the example of who any one of us can become therefore, we are all worthy.
I realized that I created the way I was treated in the world by the way that I treated others.  I learned that happiness comes from within me and I have the choice to be happy.
I learned from Eckhart Tolle that only now exists; the past is just our perception of our memories, they are not real.  The future has not occurred so don’t worry about it.  This involves faith and knowing that we can handle what comes our way and that God doesn’t send us what we cannot handle.  (All events are a lesson in our growth so the challenging ones may require more guidance and reflection to allow us to advance our awareness to perceive a higher level solution.)
I started greeting others and looking them in the eye.  People spontaneously say hello to me now. For the first time in my life I began saying I love you to those that I love. I give hugs as soon as I feel the urge.  I am told I am loved by my family and I receive hugs.  I started taking action to be kind and considerate of others.  A simple action was to make sure the tea kettle at work always had hot water in it when I left the kitchen.  It has now been months since hot water has not been available to me when I get my morning tea at work.