Happy Sunday! While listening to a homily on the Center for Advance\nContemplation this morning, something Father Rohr said struck a chord in me.\nThis conversation with MHS was the result of my reflections. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWho are the bad people now?\u201d Father Richard Rohr asked. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I feel I need to look at this and how it relates to self-esteem\nas I heard Caroline Myss speak of in her new Gaia show. Caroline spoke of\nlearning to esteem \u2018yourself\u2019. She said to take down notes of how often in the\nday we think and worry about what someone else thinks of us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
On the day that I was trying to be mindful of thinking about\nwhat others will think a situation came up with my boss. I had sent out an\nemail to a group. He immediately sent me an email to change how I worded a\nrequest to set up a meeting. I emailed him back that I would once I had started\ngetting initial feedback from others. He immediately called me into his office.\nIt was obvious that he was disturbed, possibly angry, but he held onto it as he\nis a very good person who takes good care of his staff. The issue came down to\na word I had used that to him had one meaning (that he used to trigger a\ncertain action) that I did not hold the same meaning to the word. I explained\nmy reasons for my actions and he did apologize. I also apologized for not\nunderstanding how he wanted things handled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So is this event meant to relate to Father Rohr\u2019s question?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yes.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m not seeing it. Am I the bad person now?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Always have been.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n That does not feel good. Feels like an insult but I know a\nlesson is coming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yes. Working on that\ninner thing that holds onto your-self as bad.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m not sure I feel that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s deep. Why can\u2019t\nyou allow someone to apologize? It\u2019s about what they will think of you. Think\nof it from an energy perspective. The other person gets upset at you due to a\nmiscommunication or perception.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n What\u2019s happening with energy with anger? I feel like it hits\nme.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Disturbance<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n From the book \u201cPower versus Force\u201d I learned that anger is a\nlower form of energy. Does it just hit or take?<\/p>\n\n\n\n It grabs the energy\nfrom you and pulls you down quickly. So when someone recognizes their error and\nwishes to apologize, then you apologize back (or \u2018poo-poo\u2019 the offering) you\nare just putting up a block to the smoothing of the energy.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I thought it would be better to let the other feel that I\nwas OK.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Worrying about what\nothers think. If you accept the apology with gratitude \u2013 highest energy \u2013 you\nsmooth the energy flow, and soothe the feelings. As you know there is a boost\nof good feeling (most times) when you switch your perception to align with\nanother. This is the feeling of resonance returning between the two. To not\nreceive the apology or take the blame blocks and there is then longer time and\neffort needed for the resonance to return.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n So where are we now with my deep issue of being bad?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why won\u2019t you accept\nthe apology?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n A couple of reasons: <\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. To help the other person feel\nbetter (at least I thought I was helping); <\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. My belief that both parties have\nsome responsibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So you think you are\nalways at fault?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Why \u2026 yes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Work to do, work to\ndo\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n When Peter comes in\nthe door angry from an issue at work, are you to blame?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n No.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He does apologize most\ntimes.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Yes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do you accept? Are you\ngrateful?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n No<\/p>\n\n\n\n Blocks<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ok, I think I get the energy part as I can sense the\nenergies so this will help me to be more aware. What about the bad?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yes. Do you think you\nare worthy of the apology?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n On the surface, rationally, yes. Now I feel a deeper \u2018No\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Esteem the self. It\u2019s\nok to receive the apology.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I am realizing now that I am also not good at receiving\nlove. Believing I am loved. It still comes as a surprise to think that my\nchildren, spouse, siblings love me. What is that thing I have that I need a\nreason, something to say, to contact someone?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Not worthy to just be\n\u2026 to be in their lives. What does everyone seek?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why would it be\ndifferent for your loved ones?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Lately I am falling back into the \u2018aloofness\u2019 – my default\nmode of waiting for others to connect with me to get love\/energy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s another issue \u2013\nprogramming. We are digging for the deeper root. That piece of \u2018bad\u2019 down deep\nthat is the core belief that leads to unworthiness.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Is it some event of this life?<\/p>\n\n\n\n No<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Is it an event of a past life?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yes and no. It\u2019s of\nthe collective.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n (The following are the notes I wrote down from having a\nmajor breakthrough. For the first time I felt the experience that so many\nothers have found hard to explain – the awareness of seeing life from a higher\nperspective; feeling open, vast, unteathered. Sorry if the words below don\u2019t\nconvey a phenomenal experience.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n It has to do with the female. (weeping coming). I am getting\nto the connection \u2026 being less for so long.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Someone has to be bad<\/em>.\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Crying now.) WHY?<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019M CRYING FOR ALL OF US!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now laughing \u2013 it\u2019s all so stupid!!! SUCH A GAME!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shake all this crap off! I don\u2019t want it anymore! Oh God,\ntake it away, take it away!<\/p>\n\n\n\n I can\u2019t stop shaking this out of my body. It\u2019s all so\nridiculous. A GAME!<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cno one ever is to\nblame.\u201d<\/em> (Howard Jones song from 1980s playing in my mind.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Is it gone? I had to play a role. What about free will?<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s the game. Higher\nconsciousness different from lower.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2026 cloud storage versus local. This is where we are going to\ntruly perceive from higher level, higher consciousness to understand the\nplayers in the game. No good, no bad, just playing for the purpose of\nexperience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yes<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n No one I know is going to get this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Try<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I see it now. This is how we ascend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yes<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2026 to see it all from above. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Play. <\/p>\n\n\n\n No good. No bad. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I know there is so much more to ponder and question. Help me\nto keep this awareness <\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019ve got it inside \u2026\nand written down. LOL<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019ve got this.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Happy Sunday! While listening to a homily on the Center for Advance Contemplation this morning, something Father Rohr said struck a chord in me. This conversation with MHS was the result of my reflections. \u201cWho are the bad people now?\u201d … Continue reading