Happy Sunday!
“And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.” Matthew 6:27-29
My son lost his job a couple of weeks ago which has brought up in me anxiety.  My mind would keep running off with extreme thoughts building on fears of his future.
It has been an internal struggle.
Many good messages and lessons have also been coming to me to keep reminding me that there are other ways to look at this.
Last week I read Michael Singer’s new book “The Surrender Experiment”.  It is phenomenal. It was what I have been asking for – a witness to the power of Faith!  When I was very young, perhaps 12, I read a book that my mother loaned to me.  It was about an order of nuns who lived on faith.  Everything that they needed in the form of housing, food, maintenance, school supplies, etc. came to them at the moment of their need.  I have wished for a long time to find this book again to confirm, 40 years later, that what I remember reading and learning was true – that God will provide.
Mickey’s story (it’s nice to know Michael’s nickname) is the Universe’s response to my desire to have a human witness to the power of surrender and Faith.  We can look out to nature and see around us that, as Jesus pointed out, there is no toil for birth and growth in the natural world. But, my mind likes to go to how easily plants and animals die with no planning for their own protection.
Mickey had his waking up moment in his twenties.  After a period of extreme focus on meditation and asceticism from material things a dream told him he would not reach his goal by suppressing all that he is.  Mickey knew his goal was the full release of his personality so he chose instead to surrender all decisions that were about personal preference to what the Universe put before him.  The book tells the story of the next 40 years of his life and the amazing journey he took by surrendering and accepting what the Universe brought to him.
Confirmation of living in Faith made my anxiety about my son more perplexing. I have been given confirmation that living in Faith and acceptance of what comes will carry us to the places we are meant to be.  I also know that my son has his own life to live; he is young and needs to seek out the right path for himself.  As his mother my role is to love and cheer him on.  I also know that prayer works! (Thank you Jesus!)
So this Sunday I began my day not sure of what to write but I felt it would be a day about resolving this anxiety.
I am currently re-reading Mickey’s book “The Unteathered Soul” because I didn’t want to break the connection of his teachings upon finishing “The Surrender Experiment”.  I was reading chapter 6 in the morning, ‘The Secrets of the Spiritual Heart’. Of course a great lesson comes from the workings of the heart!
In the book Mickey explained about spiritual energy.  He teaches in this chapter how our attention on good or bad events that come to our awareness creates an energy like bubble cycling on itself instead of passing through us.  In Sanskrit this is called and Samskara.  These focused upon energies stay with us and are stored in the space of our hearts.  We tend to call these blockages.
Yes I have learned in the past about releasing blockages.  I learned of doing my shadow work long ago from Debbie Ford.  I appreciate Mickey’s lesson in how this works energetically and the connection to the heart.
Later in the day, I watched the new Super Soul Sunday conversation between Oprah and Brene’ Brown about Brene’s new book “Rising Strong”.  In this book Brene’ gives the steps to rising back up after a fall.  She says the stages are: reckoning, rumble, and revolution.  From her conversation with Oprah I gained the insight into her meaning about these stages.  Reckoning means to recognize that there may be another way to look at the situation – Brene’ said we need curiousity for this to come to our awareness.
I realized that I have grown aware enough to always move quickly through reckoning.  I don’t go too far down the path of crazy, assumed, made up stories of my mind before the discomfort of my heart tells me that I need to look on the ‘thing’ from a new perspective.
I realized from O & B’s conversation that I was at the stage of ‘rumble’ with my concern for my son.  I had the fears for his future and my thoughts of Faith pushing against each other and yet I was not able to come to peace.  (The next step ‘revolution’ is living with the new perspective that won the ‘rumble’.)
I knew from Brene’ and Mickey where I needed to go – into my heart.  I knew waiting for me in my castle was a Samskara to release, a reptile waiting for me there with a lesson.
I went into meditation, this too felt like a rumble.  Half of me trying to remember and go through the methods to enter my heart and the other half already there visiting.  It was like my ego was saying ‘wait a minute, this is supposed to be hard!’ as my soul just soared down through the garden and in the front door.
This happened because I already knew where I was going.  I knew my fear for my son was not about his journey ahead but about my own past fear.  How did I know this? Sorry, I forgot to mention another piece to this lesson.  In the morning I watched Dr. Shafali Tsabary on TEDx speak about parenting.  She spoke about how we burden our children with our own fears and inadequacies instead of accepting them as they are and working to heal ourselves.
Therefore, I entered my castle knowing there was something within myself that I had to look at and release.  At the first room the big dark reptile appeared.  I asked to be shown who they are; it turned into a little me.  I immediately sat down on the ground to cuddle my child me of about 5 years old.
I asked my question, “What causes this fear in me that I feel holding a job is so important?”
Acceptance.
It is the need to please my parents to feel that they accept me.
I told my girl that I love and accept her.  I also told her that Mom and Dad love and accept her – if it wasn’t there then we all certainly grew into it.
I stood and carried her back to my golden room.  We received an embrace from Jesus there.  The room sparkled and my girl got down and began to run around and play.
I felt the fear release from my heart.  Another Samskara has moved on its journey to return to the flow of the river.
I have heard said that the heart is the joining of the positive and negative energies of our energy beings (from Drunvalo I believe). I see the Samskara as an eddy that has formed off the edge of the junction of the two great energy rivers.   My psyche is what has pushed and held it out of the flow. I no longer wish to hold onto that so it has been released and returned to the flow of All That Is.
I felt peace as I stood in my golden room near Jesus with my girl playing at our feet.
“Really?” I wondered. I can really feel peaceful about my son from this pleasant easy experience of my heart?
It seems so.  It is now Monday morning as I finish this story.  My heart feels peaceful with love and optimism for my son.
I recognize many more things this sunny morning.  I did express to friends this week my internal struggle with letting my son’s journey unfold and my own fears.  No one seemed to offer any solutions nor did it even trigger conversation – just silence.  I wonder often if I am wrong in working through so much on my own instead of forming connections with others to work through these things within me.  This experience is more validation to keep going as I am.  My answers come from going within.
I also understand my golden room better.  When I first went there it was full of empty chairs. I’ve been thinking incorrectly that this is the place for the hard lessons, and with Jesus present, I have been nervous to go there.  I now realize this place is for things I have taken into my heart.
And so it is.
“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart … Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” ~ Carl Jung