If you can’t say something nice … then don’t say nothin’ at all.  ~ Thumper, Bambi’s friend.
This phrase has impacted my entire life, it is always there filtering my behavior.  As I didn’t see Bambi until I was an adult but have always known this phrase, I would conclude it is part of the psyche of our culture.  It is passed by parents in our society to their children, just as Thumper repeated it when asked by his Mom in the classic movie.  My question is does it really serve us well?
This phrase has had a dark side for me, it helped to promote my introverted behavior and withdrawal from others.  I recognize that I had held back from speaking my thoughts when I had a different view point or felt negatively about someone’s behavior. I thought this was being good but I am sure that my body language and energy still expressed my disdain.  And, because I didn’t speak my thoughts I was free to keep on believing I was in the right in thinking them.
Another shadow side of this phrase is that I didn’t speak up for what I wanted.  When I tried to speak for what I wanted I found I would over think my response, not be understood, so I returned to keeping my mouth shut.  For example, during periods in my marriage my husband would say something about my not speaking.  For a few weeks I would attempt to speak my point of view but pain and frustration would be what I ended up with.
Why was this?  Now I know that I didn’t value my own feelings and opinion.
I would elaborate on my point, trying to be factual and intelligent when it was all fiction.  I didn’t try to just express my feelings and then let my point stand backed with my pride and integrity.
Last year (2012 writings) I learned to know my self as worthy, the big breakthrough in realizing I am as God made me, a blessed being of light joined to the Source.  This year I learned through evaluating my Archetypes how to live with integrity.  Of our twelve primary archetypes, according to Caroline Myss in her book Sacred Contracts, one is the prostitute archetype.  I realized during my self reflection on this archetype, who Caroline called the “guardian of faith”, that I was selling my self with my elaborations of the truth as I had lost faith in me.  Being honest and speaking with integrity has come naturally with knowing who I am and having faith in my self (and God) that I will be OK.
There is one more building block on this lesson getting me back to my quote of expressing oneself.  Last weekend I was doing a lot of online reading about male and female roles and energy – yin and yang coming into balance.  I realized from reading about duality that there is a balance to give and take.  To live in one extreme of always taking or always giving is to stagnate.  The glorious thing about living as a human on planet earth is being able to live in duality, to experience both sides of universal energy, and then to grow from the experience.
So back to “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” I came to the conclusion to “just say something nice”, but maybe I speak up because it is NICE FOR ME!  I should be expressing those things that reflect who I am and what I want.
I think I have grown past just being the “good girl” to the beginning steps of the “wise woman” speaking her TRUTH.
Hallelujah!